are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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