I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
