am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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