He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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