Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
