i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
