just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
