I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
