I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
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Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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