My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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