So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
What a dumb baby whore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
