i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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