God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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