Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
