She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
