i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
