Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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