Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
