I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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