i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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