Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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