i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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