the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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