he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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