there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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