Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
