I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
