ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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