When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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