Kareoke will never be a sober sport
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
