Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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