Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
