Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
