You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
