Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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