I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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