Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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