I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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