I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You took a bar mat shot.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
