my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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