I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
