I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
