i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
