We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
sarcasm needs its own font
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
