Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
