piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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