I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
