Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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