I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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