i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
