I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
