Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You can't special order awesome
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
