i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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