He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
