the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
