dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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