I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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