You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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