oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
