Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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